it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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