Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
