She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
