Old men and throwing up are my life now.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
