My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
