Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs sedatives and a leash
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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