Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
