We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
