I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
