Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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