No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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