then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
