I wish I could teleport
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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