Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
