Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
