Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
