if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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