I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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