once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
