She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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