If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
