I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
