he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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