I showed him my bush... on skype.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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