so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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