Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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