if i can run in heels then i can drive
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
