I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
