I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
