But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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