so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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