no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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