Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
