Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
