what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
