A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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