my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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