Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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