My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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