How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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