i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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