Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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