The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
