o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Found your dick twin last night
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
