you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
