I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
