My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
