I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
