im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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