I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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