I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
