We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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