So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
